We don't talk about how you have to come out twice. The first time out of the closet it's a proclamation to the world that this is who I am. I am “gay/etc”. Somewhat of a rebellion depending on your circumstances. To finally have the courage to place a label on yourself and own it. But I would argue the second time is more important and it doesn't happen until later. It’s quiet. It’s painful. There’s no fanfare.

The second time it's more than just having the courage to associate with the label — it's stepping into an identity that is aligned with your inner truth… or rather, stepping out of an identity that was paper-mache. You had to construct so much to protect yourself.

I look at how I used to dress. The clothes I used to wear like an armour. Camouflage. To not attract attention. I had 3 of the same grey hoodies.

It was not that I didn't know what to wear. On the contrary. Everything was deliberate. But in service of a different goal; to be undercover. He knew exactly what he was doing.

People say I “glowed up” in an endearing way. I dress better now, sure. But I think the only thing that's changed is I'm finally living in alignment.

I was flicking through old photos of myself thinking; "I can't believe I used to wear clothes like that" with a tinge of disdain. I am unrecognizable. Except when I look at myself in my eyes. And something inside me softens and I realize that he was just doing everything he could to survive. The courage that it took to keep going is different than the courage it takes to reveal yourself.

It was never that he loved those clothes.

If the first coming out is an arrival to the destination, the second is a departure from everything you knew. We don't talk enough about how much effort it takes to unlearn how to not be yourself. The first time you're showing up as a gay person. The second time you're showing up as a whole person.